Archive for Grammar

27. Pluralize words that have no business being pluralized.

You think you’re just being cute. Maybe people will find it endearing. Perhaps speaking in the style of a demented eleven-year-old girl is something that others might enjoy. You think it’s charming!

Well, maybe, if your definition of ‘charming’ is ‘ruthlessly and deliberately butchering the last remaining vestiges of the English language in a callous disregard for all things pure and innocent’. In which case you really need to purchase a new dictionary.

In fact, you might just want to forget everything you ever learned about grammar and start anew. Lesson One: Certain words, namely nouns, are words that there can be more than one of. Lesson two: Never end a sentence with a preposition, as illustrated in Lesson One. Lesson Three: Do not expose the flaws of the lesson giver, you little shit. Lesson Four: But you’re clearly unqualified! That college diploma is just a Subway Sandwich Artist Certification! Lesson Five: Arrest that student!

Words that are not nouns should not be pluralized. For example, when saying goodbye to someone, you should say “Bye,” and not “Byes!!”; “Later” and not “Laters!!”; “Fare thee well, mine lady,” and not “Fares thees wells, mines ladies.” When your friend is hit by a car, you should not shout “Oh noes!!”, but rather “Oh no!” or “Call an ambulance!” or “Get your ass off my windshield, you sober pansy!”

Exclamatory remarks are not meant to exist in multiple forms, despite what many humorously captioned cats may have led you to believe. There are other ways to casually end a conversation without resorting to cutesy grammatical errors flanked by an army of smiley faces. If you still choose to engage in such linguistic atrocities, be forewarned: it is the patriotic duty of all red-blooded Americans to dispense a flying kick directly to your face each and every time you do. Check the Constitution. It’s in there. Somewhere near the end, I think.

So if you want to suck, pluralize words that have no business being pluralized. And my God have mercy upon your soul should you ever utter the word “lovies” to your significant other. To the electric chair with you, and then straight to hell, where for all eternity you shall be forced to browse MySpace pages and YouTube comments, 24 hours a day, Clockwork Orange-style. Truly a fate worse than death.

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