40. Fail to maintain consciousness.

Of course you didn’t mean to stay up until five in the morning watching the I Love the 80’s Marathon. Of course you knew that you had to get up at seven o’clock in order to get to work in time to give your big presentation. And of course, you certainly shouldn’t have been drinking. But, as always, you were powerless against the charming witticisms of Michael Ian Black. You were weak.

So here you are, in bed, wafting gently through a dream featuring Members Only jackets, The Breakfast Club, and Steve Guttenberg. A strident, evil blaring suddenly cuts through a vision of the Gremlins. Your alarm clock dances and sings around your nightstand, thrilled to death that the sun has risen again. Groggily, you blindly grope in its general direction, eventually slapping it across the face and somehow managing to silence its cheerful rings. You look at the clock and yawn, then give strict orders to your body to drag itself out of bed and begin the day.

Which it promptly ignores. Against your will, you drift back down to the mattress and snuggle under the covers, while the lying hemisphere of your brain tries to persuade the other, gullible hemisphere that you’re only resting your eyes for a few more minutes. Of course, this only leads to a prompt loss of consciousness that no amount of thunderstorms, foghorns, or heavy artillery fire can stop.

Forty minutes later, you literally fly out of bed, jumping so high you practically destroy the ceiling fan. How could this possibly have happened? You were UP! You were awake! The alarm clock did its job, and you did yours! How could you have thrown it all away by foolishly submitting to the needs of your desperately sleep-deprived body?? Now you’re ludicrously late, the meeting has already started, and here you are, brushing your teeth and getting dressed all at the same messy time, your delicately crafted powerpoints now useless, mocking and berating you in the form of a colorful pie chart.

So if you want to suck at life, fail to maintain consciousness. Oversleeping is easy; doing it with finesse takes skill.

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2 Comments »

  1. jonsquared said

    Haha! Been there, done that, way too many times…

  2. Lina said

    I really suck at life because I do this EVERY morning! Why does the bed feel best when you’re not supposed to be in it?!

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