26. Step in something unidentifiable.

You went shoe shopping today, and boy did it feel good. You pounded five cups of coffee, hit the town, and made the rounds – Payless, Famous Footwear, and DSW. Only the highest quality for your magnificent feet!

And now you’re dancing down the street like an escaped mental patient. You have new Skechers! You’re the coolest kid on the block! You wave at strangers, cuddle stray cats, point out your kicks to anyone who unwittingly shoots a cursory glance your way. “Look!” you scream, gesturing wildly and hugging them close. “Two different colored shoelaces! I’m so offbeat!”

As you continue to prance down the road, fully expecting a ticker-tape parade to spontaneously form behind you, you remain oblivious to the dangers lurking on the surface of the street. Gum, dog crap, roadkill, bubbling pits of hot tar, mysterious powders, used syringes, glowing plutonium…in retrospect, you probably should have chosen a better venue for your celebration than Heroin and Harmful Radioactive Substances Alley, but you were too busy partying to notice the barbed wire.

And now you’re paying the price. As you blow a kiss to a confused child, you suddenly become unable to continue walking. What’s holding you back? You gaze down at your foot, only to come face to face with your biggest fear: the ruination of your brand new sneakers. “Ewwwww!” you shriek, hopping around and uselessly waggling your hands. “What is it? What IS iiiiiiit??” But no one stops to help. Your adoring fans, who were so mildly interested in the crazy person only moments before, have gone right back to their daily lives with no thought to your horrid plight. How dare they.

Devastated, you examine the carnage more closely. Gunky, stretchy, smelly, and possibly still moving, you decide that the best course of action here is to sniff it. This is a bad decision. Five minutes of retching later, you grab a nearby pine cone and begin the excavation process. This only results in a messy pile of goop, the destruction of your once resplendent footwear, plenty of sobbing, and the annihilation of a young pine’s dream to one day become a tree. All because your precious feet needed to look awesome. Well done, jerk.

So if you want to suck at life, step in something unidentifiable. Your steps will never feel the same, and neither will the bruised, withered shell of your sole.



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