24. Miss a doorknob.

You glance at your watch. Only a few minutes left until closing time. You pick up the pace, doing that weird little running move, the one that consists of a brisk walk punctuated by a spastic series of skips. It’s casual, but still indicates the fact that you are in a hurry. “Get out of my way!” it screams. “Or don’t! That’s also cool!”

Your backpack sags with the weight of the voluminous tomes within. You’ve never been charged a single late fee in your life, and you’re not about to start now. You’re not sure of the library’s laws, whether the cutoff time begins as soon as the doors close, or at midnight, or perhaps an arbitrary time determined by the alignment of the planets and the Dewey Decimal system, but you’re determined as hell and there’s simply no way those books are going to be overdue. Not on your watch.

You eye the door and ready your grasping hand as you approach the entrance. But something catches your eye as you glance inside. Is that a new card catalog? It is! Flo the librarian’s antiquing vacation must have paid off! What a beautiful find. But there’s plenty of time to explore it as soon as you get inside, once Crime and Punishment and Everyone Poops are safely back on their home shelves.

Still, you can’t help but stare. Look at that finely crafted oak! You reach your hand towards the doorknob just as you have a thousand times before, pawing blindly as you continue to gawk at the treasure within. But something’s wrong. Where the hell did the doorknob go?

There’s not enough time to look down, steamrolling as you are into the area that you thought would be clear once the access mechanism was properly turned. But you failed at that. And you’ve built up far too much momentum to be able to slow now. There’s simply nothing left to do but continue barreling straight into the plate glass window with gusto, and pray that Flo has a well-stocked first aid kit, or, failing that, a healthy supply of Windex.

So if you want to suck at life, miss a doorknob. Your hands may not be working properly, but if it’s any consolation, neither is your head.

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