19. Get flattened by a bike.


You believe in saving the environment as much as the next guy. You recycle. You use those crazy-looking light bulbs. You sold your seal-clubbing business, despite increasing profits. So it’s really no surprise that you choose to walk everywhere instead of drive. You respect Mother Nature, dammit! Cars are for evil people!

So you expect a fair bit of karma to accompany you on your jaunts into the vehicular world. You’re cautious, sure – looking both ways before crossing, using the designated pedestrian areas, patiently waiting for the little walk sign featuring the guy with, ironically, no feet. You want no beef with the motorists. You play by their rules. Your constant vigilance knows no bounds. You should be wearing a “Safety Is For Winners!” sandwich board.

No really, you should. The rigid pieces of wood might at least protect your vital organs from the relentless onslaught of pain and humiliation you’re about to suffer.

You feel it a millisecond before it happens. A slight breeze in your ear, or the smallest glimpse of a radioactively orange reflector. But by then, it’s too late. You’re on the ground, a crumpled heap, yet another victim of the Undead Legion of Bicycle Enthusiasts.

Pedestrians, like motorists, have no earthly idea how to coexist with these strange creatures. Stuck halfway between both worlds like a duck-billed platypus, the cyclist occupies all areas of the road, choosing whichever lane happens to strike his or her fancy. Should another human being happen to share that same space, the cyclist will eliminate that human being. It’s just simple math.

And you’re certainly not helping matters. When faced with an imminent crash, pedestrians do one of two things: 1) fruitlessly attempt to get out of the way in the form of a charming little pee-pee dance that features spastic limb movements and frenzied shrieks of “I’M SORRY!”, or 2) go limp and hope for the best. Sometimes a pedestrian will actually hurl themselves directly at the biker, in the off chance they might bounce off their super-shiny aerodynamic helmet and simply glide down the sidewalk to safety.

Whatever the outcome, you have failed. But wait, you may argue, how am I supposed to detect such an ultra-sneaky supersonic street demon? A Ninja of the Road, if you will? Don’t even try to defend your deficiencies, my friend. Cyclists use hand signals and wear flashing lights. Anything that uses flashing lights can’t be wrong. You wouldn’t argue with a pinball machine, would you? And where are YOUR flashing lights? Maybe if you carried around a Christmas tree at all times you never would have gotten yourself into this mess in the first place.

So if you want to suck, get flattened by a bike. All you had to do was walk with your eyes open, and you blew it. Hope you enjoy the taste of asphalt!


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