13. Fail to check toilet paper status.


You’re not sure what prompted you to eat at Taco Bell. It was probably those commercials wherein they throw all sorts of delicious-sounding words around, like “Crunchy!” and “Cheesy!”, or those even-better sounding words that they themselves make up, like “Crunchtastic!” or “Cheeselicious!” Whatever the reason, you decided that it was time to get your Fourthmeal on. You don’t even know what that is, but the dancing taco told you to do it, so you did.

What the dancing taco didn’t tell you is that along with the Crunchtastic Cheeselicious Chalupa Gordita Supreme Xtreme comes a heaping side of Awesomely Righteous Diarrhea Xplosion. And it naturally hits at the most inopportune time: during a movie, at the library (you’re there to look up all the new fun words you learned from the Taco Bell menu), in the middle of a wedding ceremony (hopefully not yours), while orbiting earth in a Russian space station – all in all, there really is no good time for this to happen. All you know is that you have to get to a facility as soon as possible.

You stagger around haltingly, resisting the urge to place your hand over your buttocks in what most would consider to be a humorous manner, but one that you would instead characterize as “necessary”.  You attempt to ask passing pedestrians where you might find the nearest latrine, but you’re too panicked at this point to form complete sentences, so whatever comes out of your mouth sounds something like: “Muuh…bathroom…go…where?” Eventually you find it, burst in like a maniac, descend upon the throne, and do your dirty sinful business, thereby entertaining the other restroom patrons with a rather colorful soundtrack.

And now look at you. Pretty proud of ourselves, aren’t we? Look at that silly grin upon your face. You feel great, like you’re on top of the world. The moment you leave this stall you’re probably going to be declared President of the Solar System. Only one thing left to do.

Your hand shoots over to the toilet paper contraption, whatever Rube Goldbergian device it may be. You feel nothing. A small tremor of panic shoots through your body as you peer into the abyss. You begin to investigate further, feeling around for quite some time like you’ve been abruptly thrust into a scene from The DaVinci code, desperately attempting to decipher the magical code that will release the invisible toilet paper into your waiting hands. But no luck. You just sit there, staring at the emptiness, totally unable to accept that you’ve gotten yourself into this pickle. But it was your fault. You didn’t check. You didn’t plan. There’s no one to blame for all of this but your own stupid self. And now you’re paying the price.

You sit there, helpless, whimpering like a wounded puppy. Everyone else has left, of course, due to your earsplitting little performance. You’re utterly alone. You try, using only the force of your mind, to unroll the paper in the next stall and have it gently roll over into yours. This does not work, to your surprise. You attempt to reach underneath the partition, somehow deluding yourself into thinking that your arm has become extendible and that you can actually manage to reach it using the superhuman stretching abilities that you just now discovered. When this fails, you begin to lose all hope, cursing yourself for not having the foresight to carry a flare gun or a rescue flag with you at all times. Ultimately, you collapse into a pile of tears and self-loathing until some poor soul unwittingly enters and is forced to take pity upon your bawling soul by passing a handful of paper. You sob with thanks and immediately promise them you first-born child. It’s only fair.

So if you want to suck, fail to check the toilet paper status. You may leave the bathroom muttering murderous threats directed towards the janitorial staff for the next few days, but those precious moments spent in utter desolation and hopelessness will last a lifetime.



  1. purefnevyl said

    That is why you should always wear two pair of socks.

  2. Lisa said

    Oh gosh. Totally been there, done that… except without anyone coming in to help me.

    I was tempted to risk utter humiliation by waddling with my pants around my ankles to the next stall, since no one was around. Alas, I couldn’t bear the emotional trauma if I’d been seen in such a vulnerable state.

    I ended up leaving the stall without my socks, underwear, and thank GOODNESS I was lactating at the time and had those disposable nursing pads in my bra, otherwise who knows what other clothing items I might have had to sacrifice to the fecal gods.

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