12. Hit head on a table.


It’s six o’clock in the morning. Your alarm clock is blaring. The sun is streaming in at an angle that threatens to blind you for life. The rooster is crowing, if you live on a farm, or you raise barnyard animals, or you’re the unwitting participant in a high school prank gone horribly wrong. In any case, it’s morning, and it’s clearly time to get your sorry ass out of bed.

But before you do, you have to pick up your Morning Item. This is something that you can’t out of bed without, whether it be a pair of glasses, or a contact lens case, or a stiff glass of whiskey. But it’s sitting right there on your nightstand, and you’re going to summon every ounce of strength in order to procure it. This usually involves a giant sweeping of the arm up into the air and over to the table, arching above your body like a graceful ballerina, if ballerinas were known for eyefuls of sleep gunk and drool-stained pillows.

However, it’s far too early in the day for you to be able to coordinate simple motor skills, so instead of picking up the Item with ease, your sleep-paralyzed claw slams down onto the table as if it the mallet-like weapon in a fervent game of Whack-a-Mole. You blindly grope around the surface, hoping that perhaps the item will actively come to you, recalling with glee that scene from Ernest Goes To Jail when his magnetized body attracted various office supplies and floor buffers.

But now you’ve lost whatever small amount of concentration you ever had in the first place. While amusing yourself with your very best “Know what I mean, Vern?” impression, your stupid hand knocked your Item off the table and onto the floor beside it. You can’t lean over from the bed to pick it up, because you’re clearly in no state to maneuver that tricky little balancing act. Looks like it’s time to finally rise from the bed.

So you do, and eye the Item from above with scorn. It’s all the way down there, sure, but you’ve managed this miniature obstacle course before. How hard is it to bend over and pick something up?

Well, it’s not hard, unless you’ve forgotten that a human head generally juts out a lot farther than the human chestal region. Which you have. So your arms hang down, poised and ready to grip the Item, when all of a sudden they stop short. Why? Because your head has smacked itself directly onto the surface of the nightstand, whose existence you have, up until now, banished from your memory. True, there’s a lamp sitting on it, alerting you to its presence, even going to far as to graciously illuminate it for you, but neither your eyes nor your brain is working well enough to process this. And now you’ve rendered them both useless for at least the next several hours. Well done.

So if you want to suck, hit your head on a table. Now you’re Itemless, dizzy, and bleeding from the skull. All in all, a good start to the day.


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