7. Fall over while proposing.

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She’s the one. The love of your life. The woman with whom you’re destined to spend the rest of your days. You’ve got it all planned out: a candlelit dinner, a romantic stroll through a dewy rose garden, the removal of thorns acquired during said stroll, the applying of the antiseptic, then a graceful ascent to the top of the tallest building in town for a breathtaking view of the city below.

It’s all perfect. The time is right. Sure, she’s looking at her watch and muttering something about how the wind carried away her favorite hat, but it’s all a blur to you. The moment is here. You look deep into her eyes, take her hands in yours, drop down to one knee…

And keep dropping.

Maybe you slept on it wrong. Maybe you’ve fired up that old wartime injury from your tour in ‘Nam. Maybe you’ve chosen to kneel upon an especially slippery pile of pigeon droppings. Any way you slice it, you’ve somehow lost the ability to remain upright, and no amount of “Will you marry me?”s or “I love you”s or “Dear God, call an ambulance”s will save you now.

The moment is ruined. She doesn’t know whether to say yes or to help you up, though her true feelings reside closer to the option of running away in horror. Other couples are now staring. The security guards point and laugh. That one random frat kid over in the corner yells “Proposal foul!” The whole thing is a disaster.

So what now? The recovery plans begin surging through your head. Brush it off and continue with the proposal? Say you were just kidding about the whole thing, and that the ring is only some aluminum foil wrapped around a Tic Tac? Jump off the building and just bring it all to a quick and bloody end? There’s no wrong answer, but there’s really no right one, either.

So if you want to suck, fall over while proposing. Not only will you look like an idiot, but you’ll also be giving your beloved the greatest gift of all: a reminder of the ineptitude she will soon have to endure for the rest of her natural born life.

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