5. Miss a trash receptacle from two feet away.

5wastebasket.png

Another long, hard day at the office. Your printout of this week’s figures is fairly compelling, if not a little dry and slightly riddled with simple spelling errors. But you’re certain the boss will like it. There’s a pie chart and everything. Corporate gold.

So you’re caught off guard when he cries that this barely qualifies as fourth-grade work and demands that you do it all over again. At 4:45 on a Friday? Surely you jest, good sir! you want to scream. But you shove it all down, way down, knowing that this colossal failure results in at least one small ounce of joy: the crumpling up of the paper and the tossing of said crumple into the wastepaper basket.

You’re not new to such epic challenges. You were on the basketball team in high school. Sure, you took the term “warming the bench” to new levels, not only heating the metal but actually setting the surface aflame, but you’re still fairly confident in your abilities. The trash can is a mere arm’s length away. How hard could it be?

Answer: Infuriatingly impossible. Physics dictates that any mere mortal should be able to plot the trajectory of a balled-up sheet of ordinary, 8.5″x11″ paper, but it would appear that you are the exception. You take careful aim, track wind direction and resistance, shush the roaring crowds, release the shard — and almost immediately realize that both the world and your sweaty palm have conspired against you. That projectile isn’t going anywhere near the gaping maw of the can, no matter how long you leave your outstretched arm in place or how much you stick our your tongue in the style of Michael Jordan. It lands a paltry six inches away from the base, bounding across the floor in a delicate dance of mockery and humiliation. Your co-workers cluck their tongues in general disapproval – the Sales team guys shake their beefy heads, Marketing points and laughs, and the Office Whore explicitly informs you that her services are no longer available to hopeless trainwrecks such as yourself.

So if you want to suck, miss a trash receptacle from two feet away. Not only will you become an office-wide joke, but you’ll also be eternally labeled as a litterbug. And Frank the Brass-Knuckled Tank from Maintenance won’t be too happy about that one.

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