3. Put a shirt on backwards.

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A shirt isn’t complicated. Typically, there is a front. There is also a back, usually labeled with, unsurprisingly, a label. But this seemingly simple system is evidently convoluted enough to confuse even the most experienced shirt-wearers among us.

It’s time for the day to begin. You’re well-rested, freshly-showered, and naked. You feel pretty good about yourself. Until the time comes to get dressed. You yank your favorite shirt out of the closet, or off of the bed, for those OCD-sufferers among us who lay their clothes out the night before, or out of a year-old shopping bag, if you so happen to be homeless. Either way, the ability to clothe yourself is something you’re confident you can manage. You’re wrong.

Perhaps you’re not paying attention. Perhaps you become distracted by something – a crying child or a yippy dog or a small electrical fire. Perhaps you’ve entered into a brief moment of hysterical blindness. It doesn’t matter how it happens. What matters is that the moment you don the shirt, it feels wrong. It looks wrong. It smells wrong, though this has nothing to do with the orientation of the shirt. The point is, you’ve screwed up.

And now the tag is itching. It’s sticking up, bursting forth from your collarbone, where no earthly label has any right to be. The front of you has now become a billboard for stupidity, whereas the back of you is now displaying the witticisms that your shirt was originally meant to convey to people you meet head-on. However will they become aware of your whether or not you support the election of Pedro, or if you require more cowbell, or the existence of your undying love for lamp? This is a disaster.

So if you want to suck, put your shirt on backwards. True, the situation is easy to correct. But the emotional damage will remain. No longer can you strut about with the knowledge that you are fully qualified to dress yourself properly. It’s all downhill from here. Soon backward pants will follow, followed by underwear, socks, and somehow, shoes. In the end you’ll either resemble early 90’s rap sensation Kris Kross or your misguided fourth-grade Halloween costume. Enjoy the ride.

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