2. Brush teeth incorrectly.

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This is a task that you have (in theory) completed twice a day since you were a kindergartener. Your toothbrush-wielding skills, however, remain remarkably similar to those of your five-year-old self.

But it’s not for lack of trying. You squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube, just like the instructions direct you to. You’ve purchased an American Dental Association-approved toothbrush. You dispense the paste onto the brush at chest-level, in the interest of eye safety. All is going perfectly to plan.

Then the brushing begins. And by brushing, we mean a relentless explosion of hopelessly misdirected foam. There’s really no reason for the paste to end up anywhere other than your mouth, which is a fairly unambiguous target. But you’re steadfastly unable to to coordinate the basic motor skills needed to complete this simple task. It spreads, like wildfire or a particularly virulent strain of syphilis, to every nook and cranny of your face. Up the nose, into the hair, over to the ears – there’s no limit to the number of orifices you can fill. The burning suggests that, were the toothpaste to ever end up in the remote area of your teeth, it would probably do a great job at removing plaque, instead of your quickly-corroding facial skin.

The particularly uncoordinated and unlucky among us may also end up getting toothpaste all over their clothes. This is a real shame, as there is no known way to remove toothpaste from any fabric, ever. Scientists have been working on this for years, but their efforts thus far have proved to be unfruitful, resulting in many a sickly-looking stain and countless donations to Goodwill.

So if you want to suck, brush your teeth incorrectly. Not only will it make you feel worse about having played all those video games only to find out that your hand-eye coordination is practically nil, but it will also cause you to resemble a feral yeti. And that’s worth all the gingivitis-free gums in the world.

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