1. Write a blog.

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Because all people (excluding Amish folks and the elderly) want to hear your thoughts on the most mundane aspects of life. Find a piece of lint in your breakfast sandwich? Blog that shit. See a homeless guy eat a dead pigeon? Alert the internet. Suffer through a painful breakup that threatens to rip apart every fiber of your shattered soul? Fire up that Livejournal. Moan in a meme. Express your displeasure through emoticons and an indication of which Linkin Park and/or Evanescence song you’re currently sobbing to.

By writing a blog, you’re more or less alerting the world that you have a lot of free time and no one to talk to other than the cold, lifeless face of a blank computer screen. Sure, you put in a couple hours of work or school a day, but let’s face it – your stench alone is enough to put actual human encounters right out of the question. But that doesn’t make it any less imperative for you to get your thoughts on the latest episode of Battlestar Galactica out to that guy in Alaska who still thinks that Starbuck is a Cylon. You’ve got a thing or two to tell that ignorant assclown!

Never mind that you haven’t seen the sun in several months. Never mind that Cheetos make up the foundation of your personal food pyramid. Never mind that you can only dislodge yourself from your chair with the aid of a special “prying stick”. Countless of other cave-dwelling vampires need – nay – crave your musings on what Hilary Clinton’s shoe color says about her stance on health care. It’s your duty as an informed American.

Writing a blog is the first step to successfully sucking at life. And don’t listen to your detractors. They’ll tell you to “grow up”, “get a life”, “the internet is nothing but a series of tubes”, or “Go outside, Jeffrey. For heaven’s sake, you’re becoming translucent.” They’re just jealous of your WordPress prowess.

So don’t worry about it. You’ll get in touch with nature when you’re dead and buried in God’s green earth. Your Technorati ranking, however, will live on forever.

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4 Comments »

  1. gabuchan said

    I like the blog concept. Fun!

  2. Damn!

    I’ve totally got one of those “hey-my corn flake looks like Floriday” blogs.
    But I’m starting to convert. I purposely do things that may be semi-exciting so that I actually have something to write about besides my state flakes. 🙂

  3. Buck Frain said

    I’ve laughed a lot reading your blog. Particular respect goes to your inclusion of the much under-utilised word “assclown”. Thanks also for throwing the shallowness of my own existence into such sharp relief, your insight fuels my fury 😉 Keep writing. Cheers

  4. This is absolutely beautiful! Amazing concept actually done.. GOOD JOB you’ve mad me laugh.

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