50. Knock over a store display.

You just need to run into the store for, like, five seconds. All you have to buy is a jar of pickles. Your BBQ bash has almost been ruined by the absence of the little hamburger fixings that your hot-dog-addled brain neglected to remember. Now there is a surly mob of hungry picnickers back at your house, and if you don’t hurry back you’re going to get a salad tong to the eye.

So you dash into the supermarket, yelling “Pickles!” at the poor, hapless cashier. She directs you to Aisle 3, where you snatch some Vlassics off the shelf, tuck them under your arm like a football, and set your sights on the ten items or less line. There it is, gleaming like a shiny beacon of expediency. And there’s nothing preventing you from becoming a part of it — except for a massive display of soda cans, which you deftly crash to the ground.

If points were scored for supermarket bowling, you would have just banged out a strike. Cans fly everywhere – soaring up into the air, bouncing off other customers, whizzing down the aisle like little rocket-propelled grenades of deliciousness. You do a little dance of futility, as if hopping around in an embarrassed fashion might somehow re-form the meticulously constructed pyramid. The Vlassic pickle stork looks up at you with a mix of disapproval and pity.

The floor is also now drenched in a deep soda flood, surging forth in a tidal wave of stickiness. Other shoppers prance away with grace and style and a few choked screams, but you remain still, steadfast in the face of adversity and carbonation. The manager – a balding, puffy fellow – waddles over and stares at the mess you’ve made. “Sorry,” you say in a meek voice, pathetically picking up a single can and, after vainly attempting to put it back in the display and not knowing what else to do with it, hand it to him with a weak smile. You are asked never to return.

So if you want to suck, knock over a store display. Not only will you gain fame and recognition within the confines of the produce section, but random items will also stick to you for the rest of the day. Hey, free stuff!

1 Comment »

  1. Oh yeah, I’ve done this. Not pop though. It was laundry detergent and luckily only one cracked a bit around the neck and there was minimal spill. Embarassing nonethless.

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